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Post by NewFalcon on Oct 6, 2014 14:00:01 GMT
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "I'd like three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, You don't have to order three at a time: I'd be happy to serve you one at time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "A nice offer, but you don't understand. I have two wonderful brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together as long as we lived, so right now, my brothers have three pints of Guinness in front of them too, and we're drinking them together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week for the next couple of months the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are just fine - I just quit drinking for lent."
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Post by NewFalcon on Oct 6, 2014 14:01:54 GMT
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65." "This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?," he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
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Post by NewFalcon on Oct 7, 2014 19:36:03 GMT
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."
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Post by NewFalcon on Oct 7, 2014 19:39:42 GMT
Your girlfriend is ugly when...
(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.
(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.
(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.
(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
(6) She makes onions cry.
(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.
(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.
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Post by NewFalcon on Oct 8, 2014 14:43:54 GMT
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."
The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
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Post by NewFalcon on Oct 8, 2014 14:49:16 GMT
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw the mailman.....give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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Post by NewFalcon on Oct 17, 2014 13:34:13 GMT
A man walks into a bank, and after waiting impatiently for 20 minutes in line, he storms over to a customer service representative and says, "Hey, lady, I got lots of shit to do today and I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore."
"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."
"Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't gonna cash itself and it ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."
"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.
"Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"
The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?"
The woman says, "This man is using rude, vulgar language and I won't stand for it."
The man replies "Hey all I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake, is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars."
The manager looks at the check and then at the man and looks at the woman and says "And this fuckin' lazy bitch won't help you?"
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Post by NewFalcon on Oct 17, 2014 13:48:28 GMT
A man was driving down an icy Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan branch of the Automotive Club and they arrived shortly thereafter. The service tech opened the hood, looked around and after a while said " It looks to me like you've blown a seal ", to which the man replied "No, that's just frost on my moustache."
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Post by NewFalcon on Oct 18, 2014 16:25:23 GMT
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.
The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man very closely. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.
The couple took the new baby home.
There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
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Post by NewFalcon on Oct 22, 2014 14:53:16 GMT
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat at the bar. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.
Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.
Disheartened by all this, the good looking guy asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but what's the story with that freakin' ugly guy who just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want... but haven't been able to score all night - What the hell is going on?'
'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'
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Post by NewFalcon on Oct 30, 2014 22:26:45 GMT
Jeez guys...I feel like Matt Ryan here: trying to carry the team by myself. Anybody got any good jokes?
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Post by NewFalcon on Oct 30, 2014 22:47:43 GMT
News Flash : Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...
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Post by NewFalcon on Nov 1, 2014 22:47:07 GMT
An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".
"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".
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Post by NewFalcon on Nov 1, 2014 22:48:29 GMT
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started."
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Post by NewFalcon on Nov 4, 2014 17:24:01 GMT
A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.
She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"
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