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Post by NewFalcon on Sept 24, 2014 19:11:44 GMT
OK....try and use some measure of good judgment when posting your favorites. Here's an oldie to start:
THE FIRST ITALIAN STALLION
Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm Italian and I am a golfer,'" says Silvio, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well."
"Well" says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"
"Who said my father's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says Silvio. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my Nonno's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
"No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married? Why would a 118- year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to get married?"
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Post by NewFalcon on Sept 25, 2014 18:21:50 GMT
Todays Joke of the Day is brought to you by George Carlin...a trip down memory lane:
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Post by Lou Dog on Sept 26, 2014 0:56:17 GMT
Anything by Carlin is awesome
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Post by NewFalcon on Sept 26, 2014 18:47:09 GMT
Love Carlin, so here's his contribution to todays JOTD:
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Post by NewFalcon on Sept 27, 2014 20:04:02 GMT
A girl came skipping home from school one day and proudly walked into the kitchen where mommy was sitting.
"Mummy, Mummy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.
"Yes, It's because your blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school with another smile on her face.
"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids only got as far as D, but I said it up to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, It's because your blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mummy Mummy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
She lifted up her tank top to reveal a perfect pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mummy?"
"No Honey, Its because you're 24."
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Post by NewFalcon on Sept 29, 2014 20:24:44 GMT
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Post by NewFalcon on Sept 30, 2014 15:24:05 GMT
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
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Post by JDaveG on Sept 30, 2014 19:33:05 GMT
Lifted from the Kim Peterson show's "Newsmaker Line":
Q: What's the difference between a White House intruder and a Columbian prostitute?
A: A Columbian prostitute would never get past the Secret Service.
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Post by NewFalcon on Sept 30, 2014 22:38:44 GMT
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous brunette sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time..
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . .. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
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Post by NewFalcon on Oct 1, 2014 13:59:42 GMT
A man and a woman were talking about how they should celebrate the big evening, celebrating their 50th anniversary together. The woman decided she would cook a big anniversary dinner for her husband, just as she had 50 years ago on their wedding night. Then he suggested that they should do something else they did on their wedding night.... eat at the dinner table naked. The woman smiled and agreed.
Later that night at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."
The man looked up and replied, "That's probably because they're sitting in your soup."
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Post by NewFalcon on Oct 1, 2014 18:58:12 GMT
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.
He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
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Post by NewFalcon on Oct 5, 2014 21:06:00 GMT
A scientist went to a black-market cadaver store to get some human brain samples to complete a study.
As he walks into the establishment he sees a sign detailing the quality of professional brain samples.
He then questions the owner about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for an engineers brain?"
"Ten dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for a programmers brain?"
"Twenty dollars an ounce."
"How much for a lawyers brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"$1,000? Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
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Post by JDaveG on Oct 5, 2014 23:36:58 GMT
The Atlanta Falcons went to play in a football contest at MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, NJ…….
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Post by mdrake34 on Oct 6, 2014 0:10:51 GMT
A man and a woman meet in a bar and hit it off immediately. They agree to go home together. The man, somewhat sheepishly, tells the woman "I just want you to know before we go home, I'm into some pretty freaky sex." The woman, somewhat embarrassed but also intrigued, tells him that's ok.
They go back to her place and have a long evening of passionate, but normal, sex.
The next morning she says "that was wonderful, but I thought you said you were into freaky things?"
The man responded "I am, I took a shit in your purse."
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Post by mdrake34 on Oct 6, 2014 0:15:05 GMT
An Irishman is in a bar, and he's about 3 sheets to the wind. He decides he's had enough and it's time to go home, so he tries to stand up from the table and he falls flat on his face. He lies there for a few minutes and decides to try to stand again, only to fall face down again.
He decides to crawl outside, hoping the fresh air will do him good and let him get up and walk home. He crawls out, waits a few minutes, and tries to stand, and falls on his face again. Defeated, he decides to crawl home.
He crawls home and makes it in the house. He gets to his bed, tries to stand one last time, and falls face first into bed, where he passes out instantly.
The next morning, he comes to and his wife is standing over him, arms crossed, tapping her foot, and asks him "You were out drinking all night again, weren't you?"
He asks her how she knows.
"The bar called, you left your damn wheel chair at the bar again!"
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